I don’t like my natural hair color. I wish I could find a job that I enjoy, and more importantly, that lets me be myself. I dyed my hair my natural color for work then just let it fade and then I ended up quitting because no one really wants to work at walmart all day. Especially someone like me who feels so at home in my ‘strange’ look. I’m 1,000% more insecure about myself without my piercings in. I hate living in a small shitbox town where it’s not at all okay to be the person I am. There’s not even a piercing/tattoo studio within an hour’s driving distance. The town puts up a huge stink every time one wants to open here and it just never happens and I hate it. The only places for me to work are Walmart, Mcdonald’s, Dunkin Donuts, Subway, and a few pizza places and local restaurants which won’t even look at me. I give walmart credit for giving me a chance but I’m not down with changing my entire aesthetic/lifestyle for a minimum wage, dead end job that just makes me miserable. It makes me feel like a sellout.
I want my purple hair back. But dye costs money which comes from employment that I cannot find because of my appearance. Dad asks me why I don’t just remove everything and grow my hair out if it’s so much of a struggle…..but what kind of message would I be sending and putting out if I just gave up…well…myself. Let myself down. I’d rather live in a box and be homeless than try and live up to someone else’s expectations. Maybe I should have secured a career and some sort of life before I went and permanently tattooed my face and hands and got all the piercings but what kind of life would that be in the meantime? I’d be even more miserable and depressed than I am now. I’d hate myself.
This whole thing is a vicious cycle and I just wanna have pretty hair and be as ‘eccentric’ -as I’ve heard it put- as I want and be left in peace…and have a good job. My aesthetic says nothing about my professionalism and I hate that you have to fit into this perfect little box labeled ‘normalcy’ to have a decent job. I also really don’t like people or the so called ‘real world’ and basically everything sucks and why can’t things just be peaceful? Live and let live, man. I don’t even care to meet friends at this point because I’m sick of getting treated like shit for how I look. If anything, my body modifications serve as a shield. As protection. Keeping closed-minded douche canoes far away from me. I just wish that wasn’t practically everyone. For all the individuality on here, I hardly even get spoken to on tumblr. I just want human interaction with people like me….or at least decent people who can respect that I am who I am….
and mostly, I just wanna color my hair consequence free. I didn’t mean for this to turn into a long ass post but yeah. I haven’t vented in a while, that felt pretty nice. Merp.